Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “First Baby.”
Dear Prudence,
My late sister raised her stepdaughter, “Zara,” from practically her birth. The biological mother had a drug addiction issue, but still refused to surrender her rights to Zara. When my sister died, she and her husband were in a trial separation over his cheating. I know she was only staying because she was afraid of losing Zara. After her death, her husband took Zara out of state and has only allowed sporadic contact with our family. It particularly devastated my mother.
I am expecting my first. But rather than being excited and happy for me, my mother keeps bringing up Zara. Trying to get me to Facetime her, or talking about how Zara will be a great older cousin, or insisting that Zara writes something in my baby book. Every time, it feels like the shadow of my sister and her loss are just swallowing us up. Zara is almost 8 now and it is obvious that her father has moved on. He is engaged again and the writing is on the wall that our time with Zara is running out, given what little he allowed. My mother refuses to accept that. I miss my sister and Zara, but I want to be excited about this baby and my mother keeps dragging me down. How do I get through to her?
—First Baby
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: The more I read this letter, the more I think grandma is a great person.
Being super committed to a child and not forgetting about them as soon as you get a biological replacement would be an asshole move!
Joel Anderson: Yes, the LW’s grandmother sounds like a lovely person. And it reminds me of a similar situation in my own family. You can’t help but admire the continued devotion to Zara even with the prospect of a biological grandchild on the horizon. I think you’re right: It’s a sign that the grandmother is going to always be loving to First Baby’s … baby.
Jenée: Yeah, if I read this from Zara’s perspective, even though of course she’s not aware, it warms my heart that she hasn’t been forgotten. Now of course, grandma could be a little more sensitive about how the letter writer feels and her desire for some conversations that are just about her own baby. Everyone wants that, and most people—even people whose babies will be sharing grandparents with multiple cousins—get a little bit of it at some point. From baby shower time until the new baby is three months old seems like a reasonable window to make it all about them.
Joel: This is a situation where nobody is really wrong, you know? And it’s perfectly reasonable for First Baby to want to revel in the joy of her newborn rather than reliving the loss of her sister and possible impending loss of her niece. And it’s understandable that the grandmother wouldn’t want to give up hope on a child she’d grown really close to over the years.
Without knowing whether there’s other Zara-related requests, I wonder if it wouldn’t simply be easier to honor her mother’s fairly minor requests in hopes that she can move past this sooner rather than later? Try FaceTime. See if she can get something for the baby book. If those requests are ignored or aren’t honored, then that might be the evidence she needs to convince her mother to, in a manner of speaking, move on.
Jenée: That’s a good idea. I also think—and this is something that sometimes doesn’t occur to me, but podcast guests often bring it up as an option after I’ve dismissed it without even thinking about it—an actual conversation might help: “Mom, I know how much you love Zara, and I do too. I’m just feeling like I need some moments with you that are about me and my baby and your positive feelings about us, separate from everything else happening in the family and all the angst around it. Can you try to give me some of those? I know keeping a connection with Zara is important to you and I love that about you and am absolutely on board with making sure the baby has a connection to her. This doesn’t change that. But can we just fold these onesies and discuss how cute my kid is going to be for a little bit?”
Joel: It’s funny because I assumed that conversation or a similar one had already taken place, given that she mentioned “my mother refuses to accept that.” But if she didn’t pose it in the way you just suggested, she should definitely try that. If she’s already had a version of this conversation with little success, then she should tell her mother she’ll have to handle all communications with Zara’s father. There’s not much reason for the LW to be involved if she’s not gotten him to reconsider.
Also: Is it worth making a similarly heartfelt request to them in tandem with her mother? That way, the grandmother-to-be maybe gets a dose of reality about the situation with Zara—or, hopefully, a needed breakthrough!
Jenée: That’s a good idea. I hate that Zara and her dad moved out of state because if there’s one thing I know from writing this column (and, well, from life) it’s that people are eventually going to need a babysitter. So if they were closer I’d say “Just hang in there … Zara may be over for multiple days in a row before the end of the summer.” And she still might. School breaks are long! Maybe both kids will one day in the future be at Camp Grandma, living their little lives side by side.
Joel: Whew. Any family should be grateful for a loving extra set of hands. Hopefully the ex and his new family will begin to see that.
Jenée: And last piece of advice, letter-writer: Until you can tweak things with your mom (or how you think about your mom) a little, I know there are other people in your life who will offer you pure, unadulterated enthusiasm about your baby, and you should make sure to turn to them and get as much of it as you need.
