Help! My Husband Was Cheating on Me When He Died. But My Most Recent Discovery Is Even More Devastating.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

For this edition, Shannon Palus, a Slate Features Editor, will be filling in as Prudie

Dear Prudence,

I knew my husband was cheating on me when he died. Still, the sudden loss of him threw me for a loop, and I haven’t gone through his things until recently. I found pictures and emails that he saved under a different account—and found out that he had been sleeping with a married co-worker—one who recently gave birth.

The timeline adds up and there is a strong case that my late husband could be the father. I have been obsessively looking at her social media and trying to match the looks of the baby to my husband.

I feel sick. I feel angry. I don’t think it is fair that this woman needs off scot-free while I am still going through the wreckage. I also can’t help but feel for her poor fool of a husband. The man deserves to know the truth. I wish I did sooner. What should I do? Part of me just wants to gather up all the evidence and anonymously leave it in a package for this man or just tell the world. I haven’t even told my own mother yet.

—Terrible Truth

Dear Terrible Truth,

You have been through a terrible loss, and it makes sense that you are angry. It is possible that this is your husband’s child. However, you don’t actually have very much evidence that that’s the case. Presumably, this woman was also having sex with her own husband, and quite possibly timing sex with him so that they could optimize their chances of having a baby, while using birth control when having sex with yours. Maybe this woman and her husband did IVF, or other fertility treatments; you just don’t know.

Consider the possibility that while you are mourning your husband, you are looking for pieces of him in the world. Consider that you are looking for places to channel your anger about his loss (and now, his betrayal). Consider that you are looking for people who can share your pain. Then, think of other ways you can do those things—other ways to preserve his memory, and other places where you can find people who are going through aspects of what you are going through.

Think carefully about what you would hope to gain by reaching out to your husband’s love interest or her husband, and the chances of that actually being achieved this way. Remember, you can always send an angry (or inquisitive) letter later. For now, see if you can put that idea on the backburner. Spend time talking about his betrayal with friends, and a therapist. Find a grief support group. Take up a new hobby.

Yes, maybe you have uncovered a case of mistaken paternity. But maybe you’re just processing a hard-to-fathom level of stuff. I won’t tell you to stop looking at the baby for signs of your husband’s face, because it seems like a hard habit to break, and perhaps it is bringing you some much-needed solace to be monitoring this mystery. Really, though, try to get support elsewhere. Healing and taking time for yourself will be helpful, no matter what the truth may be.

Dear Prudence,

Next year is my 50^th birthday and to celebrate it, we are planning a big friends’ trip to go wine tasting in France. However, one of the couples involved are avid Trumpers, while the rest of us are gay, liberal, and despise Trump to the core of our beings. We generally avoid politics around this couple, but the last time we saw them (following a few bottles of wine), one of them started going on about children identifying as cats and using litter boxes in schools and how trans people rape women in bathrooms, all unprompted. This turned into a very heated moment where I argued back pretty aggressively (one of our good friends is trans). We eventually declared a truce, but it was very tense and I was very unsettled by how otherwise smart people can believe right-wing conspiracy nonsense.

Now that we are planning this trip, several others have voiced maybe uninviting them. With the result of the election, there’s no way the country won’t be in full-tilt crazy. I’m afraid they’ll bring it up after a few glasses and that the rest of us will have to self-censor to avoid an argument that would spoil the duration of the trip. Additionally, one of the other people joining us is our trans friend’s partner, which makes me even more on edge that one of them will say something hateful or crazy. So my question is 1) Is it a bad move to uninvite them? Should we just try to avoid politics for a week and a half? And 2) If we do uninvite them, what to say?

—Traveling with Trumpers

Dear Traveling,

It’s not unreasonable at all to uninvite jerks from your birthday trip. It sounds like the stuff they will say after a couple glasses of wine goes beyond politics or even conspiracy theories, and is outright hateful to trans people. Add to that the fact that you have your trans friend’s partner joining you, and that several others have voiced concerns about inviting them on the trip—this is not the dynamic you want for you or your friends in general, and especially not on your birthday trip. The best case scenario if they come is that everyone else spends the trip bracing themselves for a fight whenever the alcohol starts flowing.

As for what to say, I’d keep it short, and honest. Try: “I’m so sorry, but I’m going to take you off the guest list for France. The conversation we had when we were all drunk last April has stuck with me—I found some of the views you expressed quite hateful. I don’t want that kind thing happening on my trip.” End of discussion. Don’t respond to them arguing about it. If they do end up being gracious, thoughtful, and apologetic, maybe that’s evidence that there’s room for you to connect in the future (perhaps a birthday night out separate from the trip). If they don’t—well, that’s useful information for you, too.

Dear Prudence,

I have a very niche career field, and every year there is one very important conference that is hard to miss. Professionally, it’s the best for networking and learning about new research, and personally, I have a great group of friends I look forward to seeing there every year. The problem? It always falls over the weekend of my partner’s birthday. Last year, I was able to fly home just in time, but this year their birthday fell smack in the middle of the conference. I made the choice to skip the conference, because birthdays really matter to my partner. We had a lovely day that made them feel really special, and I attended the rest of the conference online, but it wasn’t the same at all. I’ve just found the conference schedule for the next few years, and all of them either conflict or require me to travel on the day of their birthday. Help! I want to prioritize my partner and make them feel loved, but this is the one thing for my career that I just don’t want to miss!

—Birthday Bumbler

Dear Birthday Bumbler,

I would bring this question directly to your partner. Tell them how much you value spending time with them on their birthday and how important it is for them to feel special, but that you also value going to this conference, and you’re kind of stumped and frustrated as to how to make these two parts of your life work. It’s possible they’ll present (or happily agree to!) a solution that allows you to go to the conference at least sometimes. Maybe they would be excited to do a birthday trip with their best friend at some point. Maybe the conference is happening somewhere cool one year, and it would be fun for them to tag along; you could take off the day of their birthday from the conference to go explore a city with them that you wouldn’t otherwise think to travel to. You can also look at the calendar for the upcoming year and see if there’s anything happening close to their birthday, like a concert, that doesn’t overlap with the conference and would make for an unforgettable night out to celebrate.

It’s possible that none of these solutions will be actively appealing to your partner, but that they will be willing to compromise on spending their birthday away from you every other year, or every third year. Also—the years where you are “required” to travel on their birthday, is that really a requirement, or could you, say, catch a super early flight the next day? Or even, hop on a red eye after a birthday dinner? You aren’t going to find a one-size-fits-all solution that will work each year, but with a little creativity and compromise from your partner, you can still make both experiences part of your life.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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