Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, a Slate Features Editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
Since my mother-in-law retired to Florida five years ago, I have been saddled with the traditional Thanksgiving gathering because our home has four bedrooms and a large kitchen. My five in-laws and their families all live in much smaller places. Their offers to “help” don’t involve much beyond bringing a pumpkin pie they picked up at the supermarket.
The only exception was “Carissa,” my brother-in-law’s then-girlfriend and now new wife. Carissa is lovely, kind, and helpful. She’s also vegan. But she’s not preachy and was a professional chef. Seriously, her food is usually the first to go at potlucks and she even got my picky toddler nephew to eat tofu and veggies. They recently bought a new house and wanted to host Thanksgiving this year. Everyone was all for it, especially me. Then my brother-in-law said it would be all vegan and cooked by Carissa. So everyone lost their minds. They cried that it was tyranny and forcing an alternative lifestyle down their throats. They said it would ruin Thanksgiving.
I told everyone to stuff it and that if they wanted a traditional Thanksgiving, they should stay home and cook themselves—my husband and I would be enjoying Carissa’s fantastic feast. My husband reluctantly backs me up but everyone else is whining and crying about the “ruined” holiday, especially my mother-in-law. I pointed out that we have had ham, prime rib, and even chicken instead of turkey before on the holiday, and no one cared. Carissa is a much better cook than me and alternating holidays is more than fair. Or everyone could meet up at a restaurant and pay their own way. Carissa and her husband privately thanked me but are worried about causing a family feud. I think they are just full of hot air. If they can go to rival schools and cheer rival football teams, they can eat delicious vegan food once every few years. Call it my line in the sand. What do we do next?
—Tofu Turkey Day Please
Dear Tofu Turkey,
Frankly, I think this maybe should cause a family feud. Your family members are being enormous jerks, and you are correct that they should not have their requests accommodated; if they cannot navigate this situation for themselves, that is their problem. It sounds like Carissa is laid back enough that she would even be ok with it if someone else cooked and brought over a turkey dish themselves. But even if she keeps her home entirely meat-free, she is allowed to do that, and I am happy for you that you at least have one generous and talented in-law.
How things proceed materially, though, is really up to Carissa and your brother-in-law. I wouldn’t blame them if they decided to call off their offer to host entirely. You can tell them you’re excited about Thanksgiving at their place, and that you will help them hold the line firmly against the rest of the family. You can let those family members know that if they are going to show up, they need to do so with joy in their hearts about eating Tofurky—or at least smiles pasted on their faces.
In future years, I would also reconsider if you really want to keep hosting at the level you have been. You say your place works well because of the space you have; it may be sanity-saving to say that you are happy to offer your kitchen and dining room, but that you are not going to cook. People can bring dishes potluck style, or you can all split the cost of buying a turkey and sides from the super market. The current dynamic is just making you resentful, which isn’t good in the long run for anyone.
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Dear Prudence,
I need a script to slowly fade from a wildly unreliable socialite of a friend. She is a delight when we get around to hanging out but … it takes weeks for her to answer text messages. She frequently goes out of town, will stack multiple social events every day, and only makes herself available at bars and other loud settings where it’s hard to talk. She asks to make plans every once in a while, but I haven’t taken her up on it in months. It’s not that I dislike her, I just don’t feel close to her. She’s simply not around. And I would rather spend time with friends who can invest the same amount of time as me. How do I tell an otherwise fun person that I’d rather not entertain a half-hearted friendship?
—Full-Time Friends Only
Dear Full-Time,
It seems like you perhaps don’t want to fade out from this friend so much as you want her to be a different kind of friend to you. Before you resolve to never see her again, think more about what you do get from the friendship, even if she’s something of a comet that only comes around occasionally. She might be a bad texter—but really good at listening when you are together in person. Or even, just great at having a good time, and helping people around her do the same. I’m like you, I’m a “a few close friends, hang out of the couch” type of person. But, it can be really fun to hang out with the bubbly, flitty people now and then!
If you decide to give her another chance, that doesn’t mean you have to do everything on her terms. The next time she asks you to hang out for 45 minutes at a bar, try suggesting something that you actually want to do, like going for a hike, or having her over for a movie night. “I’m not into loud environments these days, getting old haha” is plenty of explanation. Remember, you have a say in how the two of you hang out. See if she’ll bend a little in your direction.
If you don’t want to go that route … it seems like you are doing a pretty good job of the fade-out already. Something a little more overarching like “I’m sorry, I don’t really have time to hang out these days,” works if she keeps reaching out. Don’t try to explain to her that she’s a halfhearted friend and you never want to see her again. Sure, she’s not perfect, but it sounds like the main issue is you two are just on different wavelengths—and that’s ok.
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Dear Prudence,
I live in a townhouse complex with limited visitor parking. All the units have two-car garages and a permanent spot in front of their door. It is just me so I park in the back. I am usually chill about people parking in my front spot. At least, I was until the neighbors across from me tried to permanently annex it.
Apparently, their adult kids moved in and brought their cars. I left a polite note saying that they were parking in my spot and would need to move for a week while I was having the painters come. I came home to the car still there and the note was thrown on the ground. I left another one and nothing happened. I checked my security camera and saw a woman rip up the note and then flip off my front door. I gave up and called the towing company. Later, my camera picked up the woman pounding on my door and screaming that I would “pay” for stealing her car. I forwarded both videos to the management company. It was effective because my spot remained clear ever since.
The problem is that my neighbors are badmouthing me to everyone in the community. They’re saying I’m being a vindictive a-hole who didn’t even bother to talk to them and cost them a lot of money. While I am not overly friendly with my neighbors, I do try to be cordial with them. Should I tell people the truth or let it go? I still have the video.
—Nasty Neighbors
Dear Nasty Neighbors,
You should basically let it go. The alternative is what, forwarding the videos around the townhouse complex? You will not find a sense of peace in that kind of escalation. If someone brings it up directly, say “oh, that wasn’t how I experienced it” and then change the subject. Even if you tried to explain, you wouldn’t be able to convince everyone that you did the right thing. (And I do think there’s a reasonable case to be made that you should have knocked on their door and attempted a conversation before calling a tow truck.) What I typically find in these cases is that other people either do (or will, in time) realize who the real assholes are, anyway. If the adult kids are treating you like this, they’re treating other people like this, too.
In that vein, I have one exception to the advice to let it go, which is that if any of your neighbors hint that they feel similarly about these new members of the community, you could use the shared grievance as a way to strike up a little bit of a friendship. Go get a drink with that person and have a bitch session. Gossiping might not be the “healthy” way to connect with other people, but it can be fun! But, really only go that route if you feel like someone might be a buddy who you can trust—not because you want to rehab your image with each and every one of your neighbors.
Classic Prudie
My wife has developed a fear of driving. So much so that she actually sold her car and we only have/use my vehicle now. The thing is that I have to take her everywhere now. If she wants to go to the mall, I am expected to cancel whatever I am doing or would like to do in order to accommodate her.
