How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My longtime boyfriend and I are both bisexual and we’ve always toyed with having sex with others together, whether through a threesome, a sex party, or something else. We’ve always just talked about it but have never found the perfect opportunity to follow through on any of it, which is fine with me. It’s always felt like a fantasy we both share. Then on New Year’s Eve, we had our first opportunity to try something. At the bar that night, two women came to compliment us and tell us how attractive they thought we were.
We were all tipsy and they started egging us on, so we all shared some kisses between the four of us. It was fun! We did some light making out before we all parted ways and left to our next spots. I had a great time, I enjoyed the ego boost, and it only reaffirmed my interest in us doing this together at some point. Except my boyfriend did not feel the same. Afterward, he complained about how “insistent” they were and he said he kissed them to get them to stop badgering him/us. He hasn’t explicitly said he wouldn’t do something like that again, but reflexively started talking about how he’s so glad for our relationship. So maybe he didn’t enjoy it as much as I did! I’m a bit bummed because it gave me the drive to want to make this happen. How do we talk about this without it seeming like I’m just dying to bone other people? Perhaps this was all better left to fantasy.
—New Year’s Kiss
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Jessica Stoya: So, there’s an implicit connection drawn between whether the boyfriend wants to do something like this again, and the fact that he’s talking about how he’s so glad for his relationship with the letter writer. I don’t know if that’s necessarily an accurate connection to draw.
He could be saying, “I’m so glad for our relationship because I am excited under less pushy circumstances to do this again.” He could be saying, “I’m so glad for our relationship because you’re not pushy,” and not even be thinking about whether he wants to involve other people again. Or he could be saying, “I’m so glad for our relationship,” and trying to warm up to, “Can we just be monogamous forever because we tried that and I didn’t like it?”
Rich Juzwiak: Or I think even more generally, he could be so happy for the relationship because they can go through something like this and talk about it, and it doesn’t turn into a fight. Maybe he’s grateful that they’re able to actually communicate what’s going on. I think the bigger picture here is that they went through it and they were able to honestly talk about it. Even if they’re not on the same page, they still left this situation understanding each other better to some degree, and being able to talk about what actually happened.
Jessica: Yes, I would suggest talking about it more. Be prepared with the phrase, “I want you to know I’m not just dying to bone other people,” but start by asking for more information about how that experience was for him. And then when it seems appropriate, do directly ask, “Did this put you off the idea of other people entirely or did it teach you something about the ways that you would want sex with other people to occur?”
Rich: Exactly. Was it particular to the situation? Was it just these two women that he wasn’t into? I am going to guess that the letter writer is also a woman, just because it’s more common for two women to come up to a male/female couple. It’s obviously beyond possible that being drunk on New Year’s Eve, two women could go up to a gay male couple and say, “Hey, let’s make out.” But it’s kind of still more “socially acceptable” (and heavy on the air quotes) for women to be bisexual than men. So maybe he only wants to play with other guys outside of the relationship. There could be that aspect to it, too.
So maybe the next step is about asking him what he wants. “We’ve talked about this. We had a situation that you weren’t so into. Where do we go from here? What are you thinking? Did you have second thoughts? What would an ideal outside-play situation look like to you?” Not to badger him or put the pressure on him. Because men have a hard time communicating their emotions sometimes, so that can be difficult to navigate. But I think one strategy here is to really check in with him.
Jessica: Absolutely agreed. And if it turns out that this was all better left to fantasy, I would suggest caution around bringing it back up as a fantasy for a little while.
Rich: Agreed.
Jessica: If the boyfriend is like, “No, that was horrible. I don’t want to do this now,” wait some time, or possibly even until he brings it up as a fantasy again, to start a shared fantasy or dirty talk about this particular subject again.
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After having fantasies about threesomes (I am female) for years, I might be on the precipice of finally making it happen. My preference is two guys, but would be OK if the third was a woman. Guys seem to have “some” hang-ups about FMM threesomes but I’ve found two that are theoretically down for it… But now I don’t know what to do.
