How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m worried this is going to sound paternalistic but I think there’s a real issue here I should say something about. My wife has always had a hard time orgasming. For many years, we’d do lots of oral sex, which she did enjoy and it would ultimately get her there (and give me a sore jaw but that’s a small price to pay). About a year ago, a friend of hers suggested vibrators, so we incorporated that—the first one was small, and practically could fit on a key chain.
Wow! An immediate, awesome orgasm. Shortly thereafter, she got one of those roses, also great. Then she stepped it up to a more powerful suction vibrator, and then to a stronger one. I swear you can hear its motor churning, it’s really powerful. Now she’s talking about upgrading again. Cunnilingus doesn’t seem to do much for her anymore either, although she says she still enjoys it as, like, a comedown.
Am I wrong to worry that going from, like, zero to a thousand in vibrator power in less than a year is potentially … desensitizing? Like a guy with a masturbation death grip, I think she should maybe take it a bit easier. How can I gently suggest this without sounding like I’m criticizing something she clearly has really gotten into?
—Concerned Partner
Dear Concerned Partner,
Comparing a woman’s use of a vibrator when she already has a difficult time reaching orgasm to a man’s “death grip” masturbation style isn’t so simple. While there are men who have a hard time orgasming, it’s not nearly the same type of widespread phenomenon—so it carries a different weight.
Imagine your wife’s experience for a moment. She’s always taken a really long time to orgasm. She may have always had adequate but not earth-shattering orgasms. Along comes this invention—the vibrator—that rocks her world, quickly and easily. She probably wants to see just how hard her world can be rocked. The way a car enthusiast might dream of taking a Porsche on the Autobahn.
I’m curious where your fear of being paternalistic comes from. Has this been an issue in the past regarding other subjects? Do you feel that, on some level, your concern here is coming from a paternalistic place? Is your wife sensitive to feminist issues? While you’re introspecting, take some time to think about whether you’re feeling afraid that you’ll be replaced by these devices.
When you’re ready, go to your wife and ask her about her relationship with vibrators. Get a deeper understanding of how she’s feeling about them, and whether her experience of the sexual capabilities of her body is changing. If she does mention anything like needing stronger and stronger stimulation, that’ll be your opening to broach your concerns.
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Dear How to Do It,
What are the safest sex practices for someone whose partner is having sex with others? I’ve never had sex (not oral or penetrative, etc.) before but would like to. My partner has openly been a self-proclaimed whore since we met. I didn’t want to stifle their self-expression in this area, so they are having sex with others (in case it isn’t clear, I’m happy for them and love them as they are). I’m monogamous so would prefer just to have sex with them. There’s a lot of advice on best practices for people with multiple sex partners or just one partner, but not a lot for a person with a partner with multiple partners. Is it the same as if I had multiple partners myself? Is it OK to share sex toys? What about things like making out? Are there risks there too?
—New in Town
Dear New in Town,
In essence, the guidelines for someone who has multiple partners do apply to someone whose partner has multiple partners, even if they don’t have multiple partners themselves.
Whether sharing toys is OK or not depends on how well the toys in question can be sterilized. If we’re talking about smooth glass dildos, which can be boiled or thrown in the dishwasher and have no little crevices that fluids might hide in, it’s fine. If we’re talking about suction-style vibrators which can’t be boiled or dishwasher-cleaned, and tend to have lots of little crevices, those should not be shared. Something like a lipstick vibe or a Magic Wand can be used with a condom over top, which can be thrown away after use. A new condom should be used for each person it’s used on.
Kissing does carry some risks. Herpes simplex can be transferred by mouth-to-mouth contact, and there is evidence that oral cases of gonorrhea can be transmitted through kissing. That said, known cases of oral transmission of gonorrhea remain fairly rare, so it’s not something to stress over. And well over half the global population under 50 carries herpes simplex virus type 1, so you’re likely to be exposed if you engage in any kissing. Not to mention cytomegalovirus, and all of the viruses and bacteria that aren’t considered sexually transmittable infections but can, indeed, be transmitted through oral contact. There’s no way to guarantee that you will never acquire an infection from sexual activity. That’s part of the difficulty with safer sex practices—the only way to 100 percent avoid exposure to any STI is through abstinence, which it sounds like you no longer want to engage in, but some of the risks are too slim to be constantly screened for.
If anyone involved in the sex you’re planning to have has a penis, condoms should be used for vaginal or anal penetration. Condoms can also be used for oral sex (yes, the sensation is different, but you can work around this by using more pressure). You can also use dental dams as barriers between mouths and vulvas or anuses. Even with barriers, your partner and yourself should be getting tested fairly regularly—exactly how regularly requires more information, and would be a great question for your local doctors. Yes, there’s no way to guarantee that sexual activity won’t put you at risk of an infection, but catching infections early is key to reducing the amount of harm they can cause.
Scarleteen has a great library of resources, including this list of what a person might be exposed to grouped by the type of sex act, if you want to learn more about individual STIs and safer sex practices.
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Dear How to Do It,
How long after meeting someone should the topic of sex be broached? I ask because sex is important to me and I prefer to date someone with a high sex drive. However, I find that men end up pursuing me for the sex and aren’t interested in getting to know me as a person. Also, I love to talk about sex. I have an exciting sexual history and I’m very confident and responsive. But I’m not good at small talk. I could talk about sex for hours though.
Is it even possible to find a long-term relationship when sex is so important that you want to make sure you’re compatible rather quickly? Men are definitely more interested when I bring it up, and I have some damn good skills. I have a very difficult time keeping it to myself, but I’m tired of being discarded once they’ve gotten their fill. I’m an experienced kinkster and swinger, as well as a woman who used to do cam shows. But I’m in my mid-50s and, go figure, I’ve never had a healthy long-term relationship.
—Lonely and Slutty
Dear Lonely and Slutty,
It absolutely is possible to grow a long-term relationship that includes mutual respect while also being open about who you are (a person who loves sex and loves talking about sex) and having sex early on. It is, however, also true that in heterosexual couples these situations can be harder to find than among other types of pairings (such as between gay men or in the queer community).
One way to set yourself up for success is to talk about other subjects in addition to sex. So when you’re on a date, introduce other topics that are also meaningful to you, and inquire about the person you’re with. You also might consider what you’re saying about sex—are you only telling exciting stories or are you sharing what makes sex so interesting and important for you? Lastly, where are your dates coming from? The vanilla world? Or the kink and swinger circles who might be more on the same page as you and more likely to appreciate your deep interest in discussions of sex?
As you continue to date, keep an eye out for signs that the person you’re seeing is interested in you. These signs often include them reaching out to you, suggesting dates, and demonstrating having paid attention by remembering things you’ve told them. Make sure you’re displaying your interest in them beyond their capacity as a sex partner. And remember that you can always take breaks from dating to spend time with yourself or people you love platonically.
—Jessica
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