Help! My Roommate’s Horrible Girlfriend Just “Got Even” With Me in the Wildest Way. Here We Go.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I was really lucky to buy my two-bedroom condo when I did because afterward, the rental market went crazy. It is an older building, so it does have a decent-sized kitchen but no dishwasher. I updated the place so it has a deeper sink and a very small washer/dryer combo. I had been looking for a roommate for a while since I have higher standards like needing to be employed and not on the party scene. “Emma” fit the bill well and I even gave her a break on the pet deposit for her cat.

The problem is Emma started dating “Tracey.” Tracey lives with her parents outside of the city, so when she visits, she stays for several days at a time. Tracey pays nothing and can’t work because of her mental health. Tracey claims to have an alphabet soup worth of problems (but has never seen an actual professional—just self-diagnosed). Tracey constantly complains and points out that the apartment is not up to her standards. Often there are dishes soaking in the sink since Emma and I both work. I often cook and prepare meals for several days in advance, so I will finish cleaning the next day. Emma usually gets prepared meals and will leave her few dishes for me to do. This is unacceptable for Tracey. Even finding our used coffee mugs sets her off. She always refuses to rewear any clothes and has nearly broken my washer-dryer twice.

I finally banned Tracey from using the washer-dryer, and she spent the entire weekend sulking in Emma’s room and shouting at Emma (I could hear her through the door) about how my presence in my own place was suffocating her. I rolled my eyes but didn’t say anything until the next visit where Tracey “accidentally” broke several of my souvenir dishes from Japan. She was sorry but couldn’t stand the sight of them in the sink, and it was my fault for taunting her.

Emma wasn’t home yet but I went ahead and told Tracey to pack and get out. Tracey shrieked I didn’t have the right and I told her she could leave physically under her motion or mine. The reality seemed to sink in and Tracey tried to apologize and then left quietly. She apparently cried on the phone to Emma all the way to the train because Emma came home in a fury.

We fought and Emma kept echoing Tracey about her rights so I got out the lease and reminded her of the clause of no overnight guests without discussion or approval. I told Emma I was perfectly happy to let her break her lease and move out next month if she wanted. I know it was a low-blow because Emma has been in bad roommate situations before and can’t pay market rent. Tracey hasn’t been back and Emma hates visiting her at her parents because they barely approve of their daughter being gay. I genuinely like Emma, but this has gone on too long.
Her lease is up in a few months, and I don’t know if I should tell Emma this isn’t working out or try again. She keeps putting herself in a tizzy over what Tracey wants while Tracey doesn’t offer anything but demands. What should I do?

—Was Working Until It Wasn’t

Dear Working,

Oh, this living arrangement is absolutely not working for either of you. (Or for Tracey!) Give Emma a head’s up now that you won’t be renewing her lease. Tell her that it’s obviously not working out for her best interest to stay here (I don’t imagine it’s fun for her to mediate between her girlfriend and her roommate all the time). The kindest thing for you to do is to be direct and to give Emma plenty of lead time to figure out what to do, because I’m not detecting any potential for compromise here. You both deserve to come home to a peaceful household, and that’s not going to happen if Emma and you continue to live together.

Dear Prudence,

When I was a freshman in college, my parents initiated an angry, contentious divorce. My dad cheated and left for his pregnant affair partner, my mom was blindsided, and they both tried to draw us kids into it. There were fake CPS reports, my dad made suicide threats, and more. It wasn’t mature, but I reacted by dodging their phone calls and just never coming home. I had friends and a solid scholarship so I just worked and went to school and avoided the whole thing. My mom and I are on ok terms now, but I’m barely in touch with my dad. His child’s mom has full custody of the child so I don’t know either of them at all.

I’m the oldest of five children and I often took care of my younger siblings when I lived at home. Because I was avoiding the whole divorce situation, I also wasn’t really there for my siblings. It’s been eight years and all of them hold it against me, and my two oldest sisters outright told me I abandoned them. My middle brother told me I was worse than our dad, because he’d trusted that I would actually be there. We still speak and see each other at extended family events, but the youngest was 4 during the divorce and barely knows me now. They’re all very close to each other, and I’m lonely and guilty and jealous. I miss them and I want to be close, too, but I know I lost the right. I’d like to ask my siblings to do family therapy together, but some are still minors and we live in different states. How can I try to mend this?

—Missing Them

Dear Missing,

I think you have to give it more time, especially if some of these younger siblings are still literally growing up. Their feelings are valid, of course, but they are still young enough to believe that these situations are black and white. Hopefully in time, they’ll come to understand that (back when you were a teenager yourself) you made your decisions out of a very understandable need to protect yourself and not get sucked into the dysfunction. You did what you needed to survive.

It may be helpful for you to talk to a therapist or to find a support group where you can work through these feelings of guilt on your own first. It’s not uncommon for someone in your shoes to feel badly about breaking out of a family pattern and “leaving” others behind. But it sounds like you’re being quite hard on yourself for decisions you made as a college freshman—as are your siblings, who have likely placed out-sized expectations on you for quite some time as the oldest, pseudo-parent. But you weren’t a parent; you were basically a kid, too. I think you should spend some time working on accepting the fact that you acted out of self-preservation and that you couldn’t be the magical hero that the rest of the family needed. Once you’re in a better place yourself—and once your siblings have joined you in the adult life stage—you’ll all be better equipped to chart out a new relationship with each other.

Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast

Dear Prudence,

My wife is in finance and invests in things like Tesla and listens to YouTube finance bros all the time. All the time. More and more it feels like our values around sustainability are very different. When I bring this up, she is dismissive and says I don’t like who she is as a person. I don’t think this is true. As a Black feminist, I’m clear that capitalism will not save us. I’m not sure what do to.

—So Over the Finance Bros

Dear So Over,

Your wife may not be right about Tesla / the YouTube finance bros, but she is right about the fact that you’re judging her choices pretty intensely. It sounds like you’re having a difficult time tolerating the fact that your wife is not always going to do, listen, or believe in the things that you do, all of the time. Unfortunately, that’s a necessary condition for having relationships with fully independent humans whom we can’t control. So part of this, I think, requires you to work on accepting that you and your wife may not have 100 percent overlap on your politics.

If you want to have a calm, productive conversation with your wife about this issue, you need to come to the table with a lot of personal vulnerability. Ask if you can explain your own views about finance/capitalism—especially the parts that make you feel scared or disillusioned—and then invite her to do the same. You may find that this is not so much a conversation about money as it is about your respective senses of agency, power, and security. Ideally, the two of you can find a way to empathize with each other’s’ fears and motivations, and that will help you understand the impetus for her financial and brocast activities.

—Delia

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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