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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am getting married in June and have a bit of a problem. My sister, “Belinda,” has two kids, “Tina” and “Tom,” ages 6 and 8 respectively, who are feral little hellions.
She and my brother-in-law refuse to supervise or discipline them in any way, and they have been responsible for more than a few disasters at family events. Last year, at my cousin’s wedding, Tina picked off all the grapes from a decorative fruit arrangement and scattered them on the floor, hoping to make people trip and fall while Tom pulled the tablecloth on the table the cake was sitting on. The best man managed to grab it (getting frosting all over his sleeve in the process), but not before the top layer fell off and splattered on the floor. Needless to say, I do NOT want my niece and nephew at my wedding.
My dilemma is whether to come right out and tell Belinda her kids aren’t invited because they are uncontrollable monsters, or to tell a white lie and say the wedding is for adults only. There are going to be other guests at the wedding who will be bringing their kids (because they know how to act like human beings). Belinda has always been the golden child, so if I go with the first option, she will run whining and crying to our mother and those family members who are sympathetic to her as sure as the sun will rise, and I’ll risk half of the family no-showing and being angry with me. If I go with the second option, I’m concerned she will make a scene at the wedding once she sees the other kids and realizes I’ve lied to her and get the family riled up all the same.
My fiancé says we should simply not invite my sister and her family, and if she or anyone else asks why they were excluded, to tell them the truth. From where things stand, it looks like my choices are either a rift with half of my family or being on pins and needles on what should be the happiest day of my life fearing that Tina and Tom will cause a catastrophe. Help!
—Wedding Worries
Dear Wedding,
I choose the fourth option you didn’t mention: Don’t have any kids at your wedding. It’s the only way to keep Tina and Tom away, and keep the family peace and your wedding drama-free. Being truthful, lying to them, and not inviting them are all guaranteed to cause a huge blowup, according to your letter. Why invite that into your life during this joyful period? Plus, do you really want to be the sister or bride that says to someone, “Your kids suck so much they can’t come to my wedding, but other kids can”? Regardless of how terrible Tina and Tom are or how lousy a parent Belinda is, that kind of conversation requires nuance, empathy, and a lot of thoughtful foresight. I’m not sure you have the logistical or emotional capacity for that right now—I wouldn’t have when I was a bride. It’s bound to backfire.
Bottom line: It sounds like Belinda and some of your family members aren’t reliably reasonable people. Presumably, your friends with kids are. Explain to your friends why you need to have a kid-free wedding and trust that they won’t renounce or berate you. If that decision would keep your besties from attending the wedding, perhaps you arrange child care for them elsewhere in your venue or work with them on other options. Whatever you work out, save yourself the headache and have a delightful time. Congratulations!
—Allison
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