How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My partner of 10 years tested positive for HIV two years into our relationship. I’ve continued to test negative, but we haven’t been intimate for over two years now (we had some problems that included a separation; I was the one that initiated our getting back together). It was good, at first.
But some of the issues that caused our breakup have resurfaced; without getting too deep, it’s largely his temper, an inability to admit faults, and what I perceive as a lack of respect for me. Frankly, I feel disinclined to take the risks involved with sex, regardless of how small they might be (as a child of the ‘80s/’90s, getting over my phobic level fear hasn’t been easy) for someone who hasn’t been treating me well. It’s also difficult to trust his claims that he never forgets his medication and has remained undetectable when I’m catching him in lies about other things. I’m also aware that a part of me is allowing him to get away with more than I should, or normally would, and maybe even staying with him out of a feeling of guilt or horror at the thought of him facing this alone. I don’t know what to do. Either way I look at it, this is impacting every aspect of my relationship. I don’t want fear to guide me but I also don’t want to stay with someone who’s not treating me right, simply because I feel obligated. I don’t even know what I want to do, or if I can trust my own feelings.
—A Rock and a Hard Place
Dear a Rock and a Hard Place,
Let’s take your partner’s HIV status out of the equation for a moment. You’re looking at a person who has a concerning temper, refuses to admit faults (and, therefore, probably refuses to work on them), and shows a lack of respect for you. You also don’t trust them.
Leave. It doesn’t matter how much you love a person, how badly you feel about their situation, or how much you want to support them. You need to protect yourself first, and being in a relationship with someone who has a temper, who disrespects you, and who you don’t trust is simply dangerous. Despite the messages we receive from our cultures, love does not actually mean we have to behave in any certain way. We can love someone and never see them again because that’s what’s best for one or both of us. We can love someone and limit our interactions with them. Love does not obligate us to tolerate unacceptable behavior.
As far as the HIV layer of your situation, you’re correct that a person with undetectable status (and, therefore, what the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV and AIDS calls a clear inability to transmit the virus sexually) only remains that way if they’re taking their medication properly, which means taking the pills consistently and also keeping up with medical appointments and listening to their doctor’s advice. As much as the vestiges of ‘80s and ‘90s-era uncertainty, fear, and shaming are present in your reaction, your inability to trust your partner points to a very real risk. Sure, you could make sure condoms are also in the equation. But the line in your letter about being less inclined to take risks for someone who hasn’t been treating you well speaks to my earlier point.
You do have a lot of feelings to work through—anyone would after a 10-year relationship—and a therapist would likely be a great support as you do so. If that kind of treatment isn’t an option, you might consider journaling, talking with trusted friends who are good with listening and empathy, or anything else that’s served you well while processing emotions over the years.
—Jessica
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