How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife has a very strong sense of smell. She’s polite about it but I know she’s aware of it all the time. She can tell which peach is going to have that gross ring of rot around the pit by smelling the skin. She reliably guesses what the very eclectic bakery several blocks away is baking. She matter-of-factly found the mystery leak at my sister’s house that the plumber couldn’t by literally sniffing around. She works in food chemistry and smelling things is even part of her job. She’s always told me she loves the way I smell and that it turns her on to smell my skin.
Recently, she came to me and told me that the smell of my groin in general, and my semen has changed and that it was really turning her off. She said it wasn’t a sweat or bad hygiene smell. It was an awkward conversation, but I do want to make this good for her. I haven’t made any major changes to my diet but I am getting older. An internet search mostly turns up the suggestion to eat more pineapple, which I remember from my teen years, but is there scientific information about this stuff?
—A Rose By Another Name
Dear a Rose By Another Name,
Natural skin and sexual fluid scents do change with age. However, they can signal physical issues, so it’s worth checking in with a doctor first to rule out the development of any new conditions. Also, you say your diet hasn’t changed significantly, but have you made any changes to your medication, vitamin consumption, or caffeine intake? Also, if you smoke, that’s a likely culprit behind any odors.
In a recent interview with Mashable, two doctors indicated that funding for research on the sensorial qualities of semen is hard to come by, so there are “no quality studies.” Unfortunately, this means that no, there isn’t really a ton of scientific information about ways to alter the smell and taste of semen. And to these professionals, it seems unlikely that eating any specific fruit would make a noticeable difference in your semen’s scent. They did, however, suggest drinking plenty of fluids in general, which has more logic behind it. There’s also always the option of using condoms to contain the semen. Maybe you don’t want to do that all the time, but could employ that tactic occasionally as a compromise.
As for your groin, even though your wife is saying it isn’t a bad hygiene smell, you might be able to find a soap, or some kind of post-shower scent, that blends with your natural odor in a way that makes it more appealing to her. This route will probably require a lot of trial and error, and your wife’s involvement—she might even have some ideas about which scents might be useful here—but it seems worth a try.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m 31 and I’ve never been in a romantic relationship or physically intimate with anyone. I’ve never even been kissed. Holding hands is as far as I’ve ever gotten on a date. And I fear I’ve missed the boat on having any experience at all.
There are a myriad of contributing factors I can think of: For instance, I grew up evangelical, didn’t get a lot of romantic attention in high school or college, and didn’t have great role models for healthy relationships growing up. It’s always been apparent to me that I didn’t really like men, but I didn’t allow myself until my mid-20s to admit to myself that I might like girls. And it took a couple more years to convince myself that it might be worth exploring my queer identity beyond pining for a college bestie. I’ve spent the past five years working on my self-esteem and building a life I genuinely enjoy, on my own terms. I now have a career that I’m proud of, and a solid group of friends that I love fiercely. But I find myself yearning for more, especially as more of my friends settle down. I live in a city with a thriving queer community, so theoretically there should be ample opportunities for me to put myself out there. But I’ve been on the shelf so long that I simply don’t have the skills to do it. There are simply too few age-appropriate singles left!
I briefly went onto a couple of queer dating apps last year and found the experience intensely anxiety-inducing—the gamified aspect of swiping gives me the ick, and the few dates I had only served to underscore how deep-seated my avoidant tendencies are. I don’t know how to flirt at bars. So I’m throwing myself into hobbies but I feel like everyone is way younger than me or happily partnered. Is there any hope for me?
—Missed the Boat
Dear Missed the Boat,
Apps are absolutely gamified, frustrating, and increasingly engineered for profit in a way that is at odds with their stated purpose. I think we’re all at least a little burnt out on superficial online interactions, and it shows in the hyper-objectifying way people tend to relate to each other on apps.
Yes, a lot of people in their early and mid-30s are happily partnered, and according to a 2024 Gallup poll only 9.3 percent of respondents in the United States identify as queer in any capacity. Your perception that you have limited options is accurate. I want to contextualize that, though. Over my decade or more of giving sex advice, I’ve heard from countless people with various specifics that limit their dating pool. Sometimes it’s a rare and rigid fetish. Sometimes it’s something about their demographics—sexual orientation, relationship structure preferences, profession, religion, or otherwise. Sometimes it’s simply that they have a very narrow range of people they’re attracted to. To be human, and be dating, means that we’re sorting through people until we find one we click with who also clicks with us. On rare occasions, that happens quickly. Most of the time, though, we go through a lengthy and somewhat exhausting process of meeting person after person until we find that mutual compatibility. When it gets exhausting, take a break and spend time with your beloved friends, or do something that connects you to yourself.
It may not feel that way, but 31 is still young in the grand scheme of things. I know the way we talk about aging can make 30 feel like some awful hill, after which we are old and undesirable. That isn’t the case, though, for most age-appropriate potential partners—and you don’t actually want to date the few who are exclusively interested in people who are much younger than they are. You’re also far from the first person I’ve heard from who is starting to date at your age, and more than a few of those people have been a decade or more older than you are.
As far as the skills associated with dating, you can absolutely learn those through trial and error as you go. But you also might benefit from some support. Erica Smith’s Purity Culture Dropout program is one resource that offers a community of people who have been through similar experiences to your evangelical upbringing. Some coaches specialize in flirting, some of whom are comfortable acting as surrogates so you can practice in a no-stakes safer space, and all of whom should be able to offer granular tips on the mechanics of flirtation. And the “avoidant tendencies” you mention could be worth working on with a therapist—I know people often use clinical language casually, so I’m taking the phrase with a grain of salt, but if it feels like something that’s truly holding you back, a qualified therapist can probably help. There is absolutely hope for you and you have not missed the boat.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a gay trans man and I have a technical question. It’s not easy out here for us but I’ve found myself constantly running into a problem that I’m hoping is fixable. I lean more toward being a top, but I often end up bottoming not because of the sex (thank you strap-ons) but because almost all the bottoms I meet are really interested in giving their partner a blow job. As a blow job connoisseur myself I get it—it’s sexy as hell—but obviously your standard strap-on doesn’t really do it. Are there options out there that would allow me to give my partner a satisfying blow job experience? I’m open to bottom surgery but it doesn’t really seem like that would do it (no cum). Maybe there’s a technique I don’t know? Or a toy?
—Suck My ????
Dear Suck,
I’m not sure whether your parenthetical of “no cum” speaks to what you personally enjoy about giving blow jobs, or to an understanding based on the feedback from all of these BJ-loving bottoms you keep meeting. If it’s the former, slow down a bit and get some more information. Human sexuality does tend to have themes, but, at the same time, everyone is different. So it might be a question of finding bottoms who are happy blowing you with a standard strap-on, and leaning into the details that make that experience exciting for them.
That said, there are dildos with tubes that can be filled with semen-like lubricants, and can—if not shoot ropes of it—at least drizzle something resembling jizz well enough to support the general idea of giving a blow job to completion. You might consider incorporating a third person, who can ejaculate, and topping either the bottom or both of them. Or, if you’re good with talking, build out such a robust fantasy of ejaculation that the bottom can suspend their disbelief and enjoy the experience fully with a little role-play.
Ultimately, none of us can be everything to everyone. Maybe that means your options for play partners are more limited than you’d prefer, which is true for most of us due to one factor or another. It can be hard when we’re an outlier in some way—such as being a trans man and gay, like yourself—to remember that lots of people are also outliers but in different ways. Keep at it, and you’ll find people who you can have a mutually enjoyable time with.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
A few weeks ago, my husband had Instagram open, and I saw over his shoulder that all of his recent searches were of college-age girls. We’re in our early 30s. This bugged me as our sex lives have declined significantly. I initiate regularly. He usually says he’s tired and we’ve gotten pretty experimental to keep it fresh. He really likes having other guys join us, which we’ve done twice now. So it stung to finally have it hit that he was still horny, but wasn’t interested in being intimate with me. This nagged at me for a few days, and I did bring it up to him. He said it’s just for times when he does want to masturbate and doesn’t feel like watching porn. I’ve never had a problem with him watching porn before, but did ask if he could try to shift that energy toward me instead. He promised to work on it. This brings us to yesterday.
