Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Kristin here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My late husband inherited a large plot of land from his late parents and when he died, it came to me. We had one son together. When I remarried, my husband and I agreed to keep our pre-marital assets separate. The problem is that I have been offered a huge sum of money for the land. It is enough to put my son through college and buy a house afterward. My husband is claiming that the money is needed elsewhere. I agree that putting some aside for my share of our retirement would be something my late husband would want for me.
But my husband is pushing me to divide the money between not only my son, but his son and our daughter. This feels wrong to me. My stepson has his mother and both sets of grandparents (I know my in-laws are not saving for my son just my daughter and stepson). And our daughter is very young. We have many years to set aside money for her education while my son will be in college in a few short years. It has become a big issue between us. I could use some advice.
—Mixed Blessings
Dear Mixed Blessings,
The tension between you two really comes across in this letter. Unfortunately, you’re not alone in this. I often hear about the arguments that erupt over assets left behind by family and spouses.
I think it’s fair for you to set money aside for retirement and your son’s education but hold off on distributing money to your daughter and stepson. You can have a conversation and let him know that while you hear him, you both also agreed to keep your pre-marital assets separate. Reiterate that this isn’t about you favoring your son over your other children but instead, it’s about your son’s father being able to take care of him financially as he intended. Remind him that this isn’t that different from how his own family plans to take care of their grandson financially. You can also express your wish that you both save for your daughter’s education and future together. Plus, if you end up buying that house—I’m unsure if that was just an example of how far the money can stretch—the entire family would presumably benefit.
He may disagree that this is your best course of action, and he’s allowed to, but he needs to let it go. It’s your right to use your late husband’s estate as you see fit. While I think your husband may eventually come around, it might be a good idea to talk to an estate attorney licensed in your state about your options moving forward. This is a great directory to help get you started.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My aunt (80s) has been a target for phone scammers and I need some resources my parents can use to keep her safe. Auntie lives by herself, is stubborn, and is also showing some signs of mental decline. She relies on my retired parents (who are now 70) for transportation, and assistance with her finances. Despite my parents’ best efforts, over the past 18 months, Auntie has: fallen off of a ladder and broken her leg, fallen outside and couldn’t get back up, and given out her Medicare number to a suspicious person over the phone. Auntie is very phobic about credit card scams but she hasn’t listened when my parents tell her that scams come through the phone and mail too. Thankfully, they are on her checking account, and my mom is aware of every check she writes. But if some telemarketer or scammer calls her, Auntie will talk to them and start to write checks. My parents have power of attorney. I think Auntie should be in a long-term care facility. My mom always says, “Oh, Auntie would never agree to that!” I know they’re stressed out by this situation. Do you have any resources or steps for us to take to help protect her?
—A Niece Who Is Trying to Help
Dear Niece Who Is Trying to Help,
Your poor aunt should just be enjoying her golden years. Scammers really have no shame in who they decide to target. I asked Darius Kingsley, head of consumer business practices at JPMorgan Chase & Co., to weigh in on whether there are any additional resources you should be taking advantage of to help protect your aunt financially.
Start with her bank. “The first line of defense is to automate all the payments you can, sign up for electronic/digital statements, and set up alerts on account transactions,” Kingsley said. Since your parents have power of attorney, you can set up online banking for her accounts on their phones—ensuring that they receive a notification anytime money leaves the account. You can also employ different checks and balances, such as temporarily locking her debit card if needed or freezing the account.
“Constant conversation and warnings are also important, as well as reminders too,” Kingsley added. Leave notes as reminders for your Auntie on the fridge, by the phone, or on her checkbook itself. It’s important to allow her to still feel empowered (it’s her money after all). Reassure her by telling her that even you could fall victim to these scammers and that you often need reminders yourself.
Kingsley also suggests looking into cutting down on the junk mail she receives—you can read more about that from the Federal Trade Commission. You can also sign Auntie’s number up to the national Do Not Call Registry, which will reduce the number of unsolicited calls she receives. Good luck to you all and her.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My daughter had over $60,000 set aside for her education—and she wasted every penny. She switched her major four times and continued to barely keep her grades up no matter how many tutors we hired. It was a constant fight and she finally dropped out at 21 with nothing to show for it. She moved back home and refused to get a job so my wife and I asked her to leave. She bounced between her mother’s house and the homes of her multiple boyfriends for the next six years.
My parents worked 70 hours a week to provide for their kids to get a good education. What they left to me, I placed aside for my daughter’s education. She always did well in school and it still baffles me why college was such a trial. I should have been firmer sooner but I was blind by my hopes for her. She is now “ready” and wants me to pay for some new courses. I told her that if she took out loans and managed to graduate with a job, I would help her pay half.
She cursed me out and hung up on me. My ex is furious and blames me for not supporting our daughter’s dreams and saying my offer was laughable. I am tired. This was the same fight we had during her college years—I just want my daughter to get a degree. I love my daughter but my wife and I are saving for retirement. Is there any hope of working this out?
—No Education
Dear No Education,
Sometimes people can be great students in high school and then have a hard time in college. There are a number of reasons why higher education proved to be such a challenge for your daughter. But whatever the reason for her struggles, blowing through $60,000 with nothing to show for it would understandably leave any parent reeling.
At this point, this situation is not about whether you believe in her or care about her future. That much is clear: You’re still willing to reimburse her for part of her education if she is willing to put some skin in the game herself. Right now she is simply reacting to the new boundaries you’ve set with her. It sounds like there might not have been many boundaries between the two of you before, but some tough love will do her a world of good. If she wants her education badly enough, she will make it happen with or without your support.
Try to have a calm conversation with her—even if she begins to react badly, try your best not to change your own temperament. Tell her that you love her, but that your offer remains. You aren’t currently willing to pay for additional classes. If she wants this, she will make it work on her own. She needs to know that when she takes her education seriously, so will you. Only then should you reevaluate the level of support you feel comfortable giving her. It’s always tough drawing lines with our family—you might check out The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban for some further support.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I have been together for three years, married for one, and are starting to think about having a child. He and I are in our mid-30s and have built up a lot of equity, so we had a lot of discussions related to finances and a prenup. I brought in a home that I bought for cheap and renovated mostly by myself over several years, so it was completely paid off. Per the prenup, the house is mine in the event of a divorce. Because of this, I wanted to make sure that if I died, my children would get the house. I hadn’t really thought about this before we got married, so when I told my husband he was surprised. I told him I wanted the house in a trust for him to live in or sell to buy a different house if he wished, but any children we have would own either property.
My husband was pretty upset. He got way more upset than I expected. He started peppering me with questions along the lines of what happens if something happens to him. I told him we could talk to a lawyer to make sure that he had what he needed for the rest of his life, but I reminded him that he was no longer paying rent and he could put that money toward some kind of emergency fund. That’s when he went off the rails and started accusing me of using the house as financial abuse. The argument continued until finally, he blurted out the question that worried me the most: “So, if I start another family, they get nothing?”
I have read way too many stories on here and on the internet about men getting remarried and basically financially screwing over their older children. I reminded him that not only did he put no money into the house, but he was getting a major financial benefit from it and I just wanted to make sure our kids did too. He told me he needed time to think about all of this and needed some space. It’s been a week and he’s been so cold to me since. I’m wondering if I went about this the wrong way and maybe if there is some other way to deal with this issue. What do you think?
—Trust In Me
Dear Trust In Me,
Two things stood out to me while reading your letter. First, the fact that this escalated to an accusation of financial abuse, and second, that your husband began to worry about not having anything to share with with a hypothetical other family. Those strike me as two very emotionally charged accusations and scenarios to jump to right away.
You’ve worked really hard to purchase a house on your own and make it into a home, so naturally you want to protect it and your potential future child. Your husband might also feel blindsided about not having a bigger say in what he also now considers his home. That doesn’t mean that you need to change your stance, just that it might help you both to try to see this argument from each other’s points of view. You need to have a level-headed conversation about this (which it sounds like you two have a history of doing—I suggest you draw from those experiences). Choose a time to talk when neither of you is stressed or busy handling another matter. And try to really listen to each other without judgment in the hopes of finding some common ground that leaves you both ready to move forward. Tell your husband that you’re trying to protect both of your best interests by making sure any children you two have together are well taken care of. But if you can’t get through to him through a series of conversations, marriage counseling or finding a third party to mediate for you both is in order.
—Athena
Classic Prudie
I’m married, with two young kids. In many ways, my husband and I get along quite well: we have great conversations, we enjoy the same activities, we like the same music and movies, and we (mostly) parent well together. He loves me very much and is devoted to me. However, I’m unhappy and have been thinking of leaving him.
