Dinner Party

[glass clinking]

I just wanted to say, thank you all so much for coming.

I am so excited for everyone to meet each other.

Let's just raise a glass to new friends,

each so accomplished in their own way,

not that it's a contest. [laughing]

[All] To new friends!

[glasses clinking]

[soothing music]

Oh, my God, that's the roast.

I'm over here making a toast, I should be making a roast.

[all laughing]

I'll be right back, okay?

So what do you do?

I am a musician.

Oh, I'm also an artist.

I'm the Creative Director of RGA.

We got an ASME.

It's the biggest award in advertising.

They give awards for advertising?

Yeah, of course.

What, are you joking?

Are you joking?

[Both] Are you joking?

The climate science that we're doing today

has a direct effect on the policies of tomorrow,

which is what I'm constantly telling

my research team at Yale.

I actually submit to Yale.

I'm a writer. [murmuring]

Yeah, I write mostly for The Paris Review.

That's a review of Paris?

No.

Oh, I just got a new follower.

Isn't that brilliant?

And so one follower equates to how much in financing?

Every time I post a photo, I make $50,000.

You're a model?

Yes.

Wow, interesting.

I'm just like that

except I can talk, dance, sing and juggle.

How many Instagram followers do you have?

I don't have Instagram.

I'm an artist.

Bullshit, what's your Instagram?

[dramatic music]

You can't change people's minds with words.

What matters today is hard science.

That's like comparing apples to oranges.

Everyone knows an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

while oranges don't do shit.

Oranges are amazing!

Are you stupid?

Are you?

Actually I have the most-read article

on this website for articles.

Everyone, I have the most-viewed essay.

Thank you!

No body reads essays anymore.

You know what they do read?

Commercials.

Millions of people saw my Geico spot.

Both of you are idiots.

My research saves lives.

How many lives have you saved?

I've played a doctor six different times

on network television.

I save lives.

How many Instagram followers do you have?

How many what?

Instagram followers.

I don't know what that is.

Let's calm down.

There's a simple way to figure this out.

Everyone empty out your wallets.

Whoever has the most, wins.

How many women have you slept with?

How many?

I'm not gonna answer that question.

Then you, then you lose.

Loser.

Okay, I'll say.

I've, two.

[dramatic music]

I am the face of Lancôme.

The face of it.

My agency wrote that Lancôme commercial for you.

You just read the lines.

And you call that writing?

You call that writing.

You call that writing.

You call that writing.

[high pitched noises]

[heavy guitar music]

I can improv in Shakespeare if you want to hear.

Okay, I'll begin.

Tomorrow and tonight.

Send a huge stretch limo to pick me up.

You know what?

Make it a helicopter.

3.5 million followers baby, here we come.

Zero Feel!

I wrote this copy.

Zero feel!

♪ Wishing you were somehow here again, ♪

♪ Wishing you were somehow near. ♪

What is it all about?

I don't know.

Does anyone know?

[manic guitar music]

Science!

Sorry, everybody but the gravy--

What's wrong?

We're all losers.

Why would you say that?

No body cares about what we do.

I care.

That's why I invited you guys.

I think you're all so amazing.

You do?

Of course, you're all great,

each in your own way.

But who's the greatest?

You're all equally great.

[all sighing heavily]

Equally.

Bollocks.

[door bell ringing]

Oh, that's our last guest.

There's another guest?

Everybody, I'd like you to meet Beyonce.

[yelling]

My eyes, oh, my eyes.

[ethereal music]